Christian GBH
Imagine yourself, in the dry heat of the afternoon, walking down a dusty side road in a small African town, the red earth littered with strips of old chewed sugar cane, old men staring as you pass. When one of the small, brightly coloured, breeze-block shop fronts causes you to pause; “Christian Music Shop” reads the rough hand painted sign. It’s no Wesley Owen, but still seems a little out of place and until the moment you actually enter, a part of you is expecting it to hold a family of swine, a corn grinding machine…anything but Christian merchandise. To your surprise you find yourself standing in an Aladdin’s cave of Christian tapes and books, all thick with dust and displaying the cheesiest selection of titles imaginable.This is what happened to my fellow travellers and I on one of the days we were staying in Kenya. We felt like we had stepped back in time. Imagine any Christian material produced in the 70’s, that was deemed by the West to be too disgracefully happy for human consumption, was all dumped in a tiny shack, then this was it. We rummaged through gospel tapes with titles like ‘Pure Joy’ and ‘Sing His Praises in the Morning’ accompanied by pictures of stags prancing in a morning mist or rainbows sprouting from magnificent moss-clad waterfalls.
It was then that my eyes fell upon a set of two books by Steven Ogan the first of which was emblazoned with the immortal words; “How to Beat Your Wife”. It was one of those moments when your mind is so thoroughly confused that it takes a few moments to respond. Perhaps I had read it wrong? But, no. A swift check confirmed that I was correct and that the beauty nestled next to it was indeed entitled “How to Beat Your Husband” – lest the author should ever be accused of fostering gender inequality. I glanced at the shopkeeper – a pretty young African woman. She didn’t look like the husband pummelling type.
“Have you read these?” I ask.
“Yes” Came the reply.
My mind had by now recovered from its confusion and was beginning to inform me that this situation was deeply funny. “Are they any good?” I said, cracking a grin.
“Yes, very good!”
“Ahh!” Clearly spouse beating was a popular form of recreation. After all, you wouldn’t need to spend any money to get started; all that’s required is a frying pan or hefty branch…or fists, I thought, eyeing the slight girl behind the counter with wariness. In my mind i was wondering what life might be life for a couple who had both read the appropriate literature on administering good Christian grevious bodily harm. It was at this point that I decided it was time to leave before I got myself into trouble. That and the fact that everyone else was leaving, having found no Hillsongs CDs. Or, indeed, any CDs for that matter.
So why tell this story? Well, I feel that it’s worth it, just for the unbridled joy of knowing that you too can be the proud owner of the complete set of relation-battering manuals for only £3.49 each!! Yes, I’ve found them online here at http://www.canapublishinguk.com/Uzima%20Books%20for%20life.htm
“Books for Life” indeed!
And what makes it all absolutely perfect is the revelation that they’re part of a 4 book series:
The third, brilliantly, is “How to Beat Your Inlaws”, and the fourth? It’s simply entitled “Mercy”, which of course is cheaper at only £2.99.
Ironic magnificence!
Ps. Seriously; check out the link...it's worth it just to read the blurb for 'how to beat your wife' and the awesome spelling error in 'Mercy'.
posted by Matt Heaton @ 12:30 am
1 Comments:
Wonderful... Surely something that every husband and wife team has been crying out for?
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