My E-mail Stalker and Newton's Third Law
Over the last few months I have been receiving regular e-mails from an unknown girl inviting me to sign up to various websites with her or to be her Bebo Buddy or whatever the latest communal website fad happens to be. For the most part, considering that I don’t know her at all, I have ignored them but last night I became curious. Just who was this girl? And where did she get my e-mail address from and is she some sort of sordid e-mail stalker?So, to put the conspiracy theories in my head to rest, I signed up to one of the websites and clicked on her profile. To my horror, this is what popped before my eyes:
Oh, dear Lord…words fail me.
As I reviewed the eloquent synopsis above I couldn’t help but begin to pick out some deeply disturbing issues:
1. The dreaded photo. Well it’s a bad starting point really isn’t it. The cap…and those eyes! What happened? Did she loose her eye liner and thought a black marker would suffice? Was it a fight? A disease? Some things man is not meant to know.
2 Build: Muscular? There’s just no need for that.
3. The Personal Words form a poetic summary of the whole. I hope I never meet Trev.
4. Peter Andre? Peter Plastic Pecs himself is her favourite artist?
5. She loves to party on the corner of the street. I suspect that the full implications of that statement have not really sunk in for her. Plus, she’s 20, not 13.
6. She relaxes in the back seat of a Saxo, loves to holiday at Butlins and her favourite sport is ‘to bitch’.
The only thing that's missing is the cliched, Sex: yes please. Clearly, I could go on, and the effort not to be cruel is immense, although in my defence this post would not exist if she didn't persist in e-mailing me. However, far be it from me to act as the self-righteous character assassin here, especially as I don’t even know her. Long may that continue. Instead I would like to share with you my new theory. It goes like this:
In physics for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction right? I have now come to believe that for every person, there is an equal and opposite person. For example you have Christ and the Anti-Christ, Arnold Swarzenegger and Arnold Rimmer, Camilla Parker Bowles and Johnny Knoxville, etc etc. And that this girl…(I changed her name, more out of sympathy than for any legal reasons),…this girl is my Anti-Me. Yes, she is the Anti-Heaton (or possibly a character from Little Britain). Every word I can think of to describe myself finds it’s antithesis in this young lady (or “durty hoe”) from Walsall.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we ever met. Would the world come to a sudden end in a supernova fusion of matter and anti-matter. Cool. But then I think of her ‘relaxing’ on the backseat of Trevs red Saxo and pray fervently we never do meet. Or, for that matter, that she never finds this website. Hmm. Well, it’s all been in the best possible taste…I’m just not sure she’d understand.
Supposing that i was going to end on a sensible note, I guess i would say that it's strange, the extent to which someone elses life is so instantly an anathema to me. For me everything ends in reflection and introspection and this, I know, reflects something that I don't like. Genuinely, I wish her all the best in her ambitions...although maybe not the one about becoming a page 3 girl. But more than that i hope that she finds herself living in a community where people love her for who she is. That only leaves me asking myself; could that community involve me? Impossible? It shouldn't be.
posted by Matt Heaton @ 1:26 am
4 Comments:
Hello Matt,
Just to assure you that I'm not some weird stalker girl, I got here through JR's website, and since I've met him, he can vouch for the fact that I'm normal (well, as normal as is to be expected for someone who is mates with Jonny boy)
That said, I can't help but feel a little bit sorry for people like this girl. At school I remember the one thing that kept me going when surrounded by people like her (who were not particularly friendly towards me, a humble swot) was the thought that when I was off teaching in some foreign country they would still be working in McDonalds and bringing up 7 kids.
Of course I am ashamed of myself for thinking that, and I realise just how much God needed to do in me to make me love such people.
Is there any way you could turn this into an evangelistic opportunity? Just a thought. Something tells me that Jesus' reaction to this girl would have put us all to shame. By God's grace may we be more like Him!
Is this someone taking the mick? It's all just a little too cliche to be real. Surely? I tried to view her photo gallery, but (un)fortunatly you have to be 'logged in ' to do so. I don't think I'll be rushing to join up any time soon.
Matt, Jon's thought of it being all too cliche to be real went through my mind. Starberri's idea of reaching out could be a good one as long as you know that God's assigned you to do that. Hmmm. I can't see clearly with the size of the print, but is her surname actually what I read it as? Chavvy or is that a double rr? (That added to the cliche thing)
I can think of people who are in reality so close to that sort of charicature I have to keep my mouth firmly shut and my heart wide open or I'd probably be totally sarcky.
Interesting...
I'm pretty sure she's not taking the mick...it's the picture that clinches it for me. She's wearing a baby blue tartan cap for Pete's sake! No one would dress up like that for a joke. One look in the mirror and the laughter would die in your throat.
It is interesting that starberri should mention teaching in some foreign country as since the time a few weeks back that i wrote about in "Lately..." i have been looking into a TEFL course, possibly in order to teach in Kazakstan. Part of the reason? Because i know i just can't reach people like this girl in this country. Better to actually be a foreigner - it's what i am after all.
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